Why Do We Ask, "What Do You Do?" and Is There a Better Way to Get to Know Someone?

It’s a question we’ve all encountered: "What do you do?" It’s often one of the first things people ask when they meet someone, especially as we get older. But why do we seem so fixated on this one question? Is it because we’re simply looking for a quick answer, or is there something deeper at play in how we understand people?

As humans, we tend to categorize others by their roles and occupations. Our jobs often become shorthand for who we are, what we value, and how we contribute to society. However, as we age, the question of "What do you do?" can feel limiting, as though it reduces the complexities of a person’s identity to just one facet of their life. People often have multiple interests, responsibilities, and experiences, and narrowing it down to just their job can overlook everything else that makes them unique.

Personally, I’ve always struggled to answer this question. For as long as I can remember, I never fit into a simple, singular job role. I was always juggling multiple projects, trying different things, and exploring what piqued my interest. In a way, I was constantly evolving. If someone asked me, "What do you do?" I’d hesitate because the answer was never just one thing. My interests were too diverse. I would always prefer they ask me about what drives me or what I’m passionate about, because that would give a fuller picture of who I am.

But here’s the thing—when I’ve asked others what they’re passionate about, I’ve often been met with silence. Nine times out of ten, the response has been uncertainty, something along the lines of, "I’m not really sure what I’m passionate about, but let me think about that." This reaction has always left me thinking: if we are so often driven by our jobs and routines, how much space do we leave for personal growth, exploration, and discovering what truly excites us?

The question "What do you do?" can also carry certain assumptions—often tied to social status or success—leading to comparisons that may not always reflect a person’s worth or ambitions. But can we really get to know someone by only asking about their work? The answer seems to be no. People are multifaceted, with rich histories, hobbies, relationships, and ideas that go beyond their professional roles.

So, how can we get to know someone more holistically?

Instead of focusing solely on what someone "does," perhaps we could ask questions that allow for more nuance. Instead of, "What do you do?" consider asking:

• "What are you passionate about right now?"

• "What do you love doing when you’re not working?"

• "What are some things that bring you fulfillment?"

• "What’s something you’ve been thinking about a lot recently?"
  

These types of questions open the door to deeper, more meaningful conversations, allowing people to share parts of themselves that go beyond the usual job title. They also invite reflection on the things that truly matter to a person, whether that’s their creative pursuits, family, personal growth, or the challenges they’re navigating.

Ultimately, the question of "What do you do?" isn’t necessarily "lazy," but it’s a simplification of who someone is. If we want to genuinely understand each other, we may need to stop reducing people to their work and start exploring the full spectrum of their lives. By doing so, we open ourselves up to richer, more authentic connections and a better understanding of who people truly are.

Just some food for thought.

Thanks for reading!